it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
