The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
