how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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