I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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