She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
