I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
