Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
