zippers are such a cool invention
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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