Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
