I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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