just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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