I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Randomize
