I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Randomize
