The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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