im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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