Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize