p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
