So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
