I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
