whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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