we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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