It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
