I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
