the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
