the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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