I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
