Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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