I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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