I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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