Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
