Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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