So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
