I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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