There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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