Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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