He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
