I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Randomize
