an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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