I am midnight drunk by noon
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
