i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
