I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
In other news, I just burned my penis
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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