i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
operation harelip BJ is a go
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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