i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
