so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
