if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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