Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
