I'm really into asian looking animals
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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