I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I didn't notice because vodka
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
