I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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