I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
