We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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