Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
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