so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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