...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
