I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
